Struggling with some monsters

It has been a while since my last post. I kind of put on hold my thoughts about my abusive relationship. I was having a really nice time living my life. I spend a wonderful vacation with family back home and had a great holiday days. But recently the monsters of my abusive relationship have come back to haunt me.
I felt I was ready to have a relationship with someone so I took an advice a friend gave me and joined an online dating site. Since I joined it, I’ve seen three guys. The first one, I saw it only on the meet date. The second one I spent about a month of dating but there was no connection. The third one… yes, there is connection here. We texted a lot, we had two dates but suddenly he disappeared. Don’t know, he doesn’t seem that kind of guy. Maybe he has a good explanation, maybe he needed space, or maybe is the family member who is in town. He must have his reasons. And I respect them.
The point is that this situation of not knowing about him  had made me feel more vulnerable and some of the things that had been asleep for a while are starting to wake up. Waking up the abused part of me.
Yes, maybe my self-esteem is a bit broken in this aspect, in the men aspect. But how couldn’t be broken? Too many insults!!! Too many!!!!
I thought I was over them. But in some place I read that there are scars that are named memories. Unfortunately, memories last; persist. They are these things that live with us all of our life. At this moment, the ones that I don’t want to remember are the ones who are devouring my mind and destroying my heart. Memories that penetrated deep in my being and that sometimes resurfaced again trying to destroy the ones that are trying to be built.
I know I am a great woman, a good mother, daughter, sister, friend and human being. I have many talents and skills. But there is something that I am missing. I need a little of validation in other aspect. In the facet who a bad relationship destroyed. That one that he kept. That one that with which he stayed.
Maybe is wrong to look for validation, acceptance in a man but maybe is that I think that if a man took it from me, it could be a man who can return it to me.
I don’t know.
I am a woman searching to be loved. Don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of loves in my life and I am very fortunate for that. But this woman needs a little more, just a little of some good love from a man.

Take care, T.