I was used to cry

As I wrote before, I didn’t know I was in an abusive relationship until I got out of it. All I really knew is that I cried a LOT during these twenty something years that I stayed in this relationship.

I now remember that I cried from the beginning. I recalled being in my house all alone and crying only months after we got married. We were married because I was pregnant and for me it was very difficult. I was a single girl and suddenly I was pregnant, married and haven’t finish college. While all my friends were hanging out I was at home alone. Yes, alone because he will go out and hang out also. So, instead of dealing with the pregnancy and marriage together as a couple it was only me dealing with it.

My son was born. I was very happy for it. I think I was born to be a mom. But, for him it was a different story. He was jealous of our baby. He was jealous of me spending time with him. We had a lot of discussion because of this matter. He even asked me one day who I love more, him or our son. Well, he didn’t asked one time; he did it a lot in the course of our marriage. Of course I love my son more but I always said that both loves were different and that I couldn’t explain it. I knew he would get mad if I said I love my son more. I know that this answer never pleased him and sometimes he made me feel bad because I was paying attention to our son and not to him.

I did cry. Because it wasn’t only that he wasn’t pleased with my answer, he will insult me and made me feel guilty because I was paying more attention to my son than to him.

Years passed and I remember me crying. I can’t remember why but I know I did it. All I can remember is me crying quietly in bed, crying louder on the shower, crying in the bathroom at work after talking to him, crying during a ride in the car after a big fight.

Now I know that all that crying wasn’t supposed to happen. If you have a good relationship where love and respect prevails, it shouldn’t be accompanied by all that hurt and crying.

It is now that I realized that I was used to all that crying and sadness. It is now that I realized that at that time I wasn’t expecting more of a relationship.

But, it is now that I also realized that I can have a life without excessive crying.

Of course one will cry one time or another but a relationship shouldn’t be support with crying, hurt, and sadness.

I know I can do better. I know I can have a relationship fund on respect, love, and happiness.

I’m just waiting that life will grant me with a lovable, respectful man who will love and respect me as a woman, as a human being.

Take care, T.