After the 10 signs list…

Today I’m supposed to write a new post in this blog. But, as today and after reading the list of signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, I’m still dealing with coping and understanding how and why I kept myself in this kind of relationship after so many years.

For now, I am just going to tell you what I went thru the minutes and hours after I read the list.

As I was reading, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing in that list. Of the 10 signs in the list, I recognize 8 as being part of my relationship. 8!! That is a lot!!! That number freaked me out. It was way passed half of the list. How come of these 10 signs I knew 8? How could I let it happen?
After my first shock, I re read the list, I went one by one. As I read it, flashbacks of my relationship came in to my mind. They were very real and I could feel them. I was in shock, again. Well, I was in shock all night. I couldn’t sleep. I was lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. No tears, no thoughts, just staring. I think I fall asleep around 5am, sleep overcame me.

The next day I felt I needed to tell someone. But I knew that if I do that I will break up in tears. I waited until the first hours of the afternoon and I texted a friend. She couldn’t believe it. Thank God she was very busy and we couldn’t continue with the texting. Then, it was my sister’s turn. I knew what she was going to tell me, and she did. She said “I told you so”. Wrong response. I know that she told me a couple of time but that wasn’t the kind of response I need. Perhaps I need from her to say I’m sorry or maybe to just be there for me. She kind of did it after I told her that I was looking for another reaction.

What I did after that? Cry, cry, and cry. I sat at my sofa and started to cry. I couldn’t stop. I think I cried for around 20 minutes. I ended up exhausted.
I needed a hug but I was all alone.
I decided to rest for a while before my zumba class. I needed to go to zumba. I had to release all those emotions in some sort of a way.
I went to zumba. In there, I jumped and dance at if there was no tomorrow. I returned home and I haven’t seen the list again since then.

And I am not  ready to talk about it yet…

Take care, T.